So there comes a time in this journey where all the battles I can fight are fought. Where all the calls that have to be made are done. Where the research can take me no further. The tests are performed and the results forthcoming. When there are no more decisions to make or actions to take. When it’s time to get back to life. And in this, I suddenly understand what it must be like for a soldier returning home from war.
“Warriors have found the journey home, the journey back to normal as trying as the battle itself,” writes Navy SEAL Eric Greitens in his book Resilience: Hard-Won Wisdom for Living a Better Life.
That’s where I am right now. And I’m feeling a little lost. This should be the easy part. This is what I’ve been fighting for – the chance to get my life back. To get back to writing about something different. To make up entertaining stories rather than writing from the trenches. To work on a publishing career. To get back to training for spring 5ks and summer triathlons. To enjoy long walks with dogs. To plow through the pile of magazines and books alongside my bed. To laugh with the kids in my life. To enjoy my husband’s company. To relish in the excellent health I am experiencing in this moment.
So why am I feeling drained and defeated? What is this fear bubbling below the surface? Why am I feeling so inert? And how am I going to push past it?
I admit my head is still spinning from all it’s taken to get me here. The second-guessing myself, the fear of change, fear of the unknown. Will I be able to afford the new choices I’ve made? Just getting to my new doctor is costing close to $100 round trip. My new health insurance policy took a hit on the prescription coverage so drugs are costing another $100 a month or more. And I haven’t even received the bills for the new medical procedures and the deductibles they’ve hit. These are the things that worry and confound me as I try to move forward.
I know life has a way of working itself out. Paying jobs will come. It’s only a matter of time before I’m besieged by writing assignments, right? And despite threats of an impending snow storm, spring IS just around the corner, signaling hope and rebirth.
“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering,” said Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hahn. “Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” Is this what I’m doing to myself?
I don’t have any answers right now, just a vague notion that it’s time to hit the reset button and “get on with it,” as my great-grandmother used to say. Does anyone out there want to give me a push?